Lucky Enough to Start Over

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Do you consider yourself as a lucky person? If it’s too hard for you to answer, don’t worry. It’s hard for me too. If i say i’m not lucky, i feel like i’m being ungrateful. If i say that i’m lucky, somehow i still manage to disregard what i said by acting like the unluckiest of them all. I’m lucky enough to stay alive up to this point. Still able to eat, breath, survive. I still have a shelter to hide from the storm, i still have people that i can still ask for help, i have a job that doesn’t require me to bust my ass 24/7 like i’m going to die tomorrow if i don’t go to work. I’m lucky enough to have all of these luxuries that God gave me.

Even though i sad all of those things, sometimes i still feel like i’m not enough. I need more so i can provide more. I demand the whole world to act nice while i know it’s a messy world that we’re living in. Everytime i see a kid singing on the road asking for mere pennies, i feel shit for not being able to give them something. Even tho i have some spare coin in my pocket. What a douce.

There are always some sort of justification for whatever i’m doing, just to make myself feel better. I know, i’m selfish. Probably the most selfish out of every person on this earth. See how i just claim that title there?

I consider myself lucky, but i lost my way to be grateful

How can i never feel like i have enough? Is it again too selfish for me to blame it on someone else? Not everybody can get whatever they want in life. It is true that some of the things that i want came true in one way or another. I need to come up with a way to let go of these feelings. It’s even worse when i lost my direction in life. It’s just like i’m scared of death but i don’t know why i should stay alive either.

I need to live my life the way i want it to be, as long as God agree with whatever i’m doing. I might be one of the shittiest person that you’ll ever know. I admit i can be heartless sometimes. Insensitive, careless, doesn’t really think much about whatever i’m saying to others and I often put my pride above everything else.

Then again, i’m lucky. I’m lucky to have some choices in life. I’m lucky enough to be able to say i can choose my own path. And i’m lucky enough to be able to act like i don’t f-ing care about how other people feels (for the most part) and i guess that is one of my prayers getting answered.

I want to be someone, not because of someone else.

These luckiness that i have, i want to make the most of it while i can. I need to find myself, what i want and what i should do to achieve my goals. I still have my little dream of being able to work remotely within my own small little house so i can be with my sweet little familiy.

Talking about family, i’m not sure what kind of family that i really want. I still want to bring my family to heaven even though i’m a big sinner. Piece by piece, i want to rebuild everything about myself. I know i can’t do it all alone but i’m not going to beg for help. Feel free to come along but i’m done chasing.

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